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Friday, July 20, 2007

Pass the Paxil, Please

This week's post is a lot of rambling. Skip it if you'd like. Return next week. Certainly there will be something more profound...

I am in a funk today that I cannot shake. I know it will get better, but for now, Paxil sounds really, really good to me...

If no one were to read my blog, would I still write it? Like the eternal question "if a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it - does it still make a sound?" it causes me to ponder...

Scientifically, I know the falling tree still makes a noise... but would my blog entries still be written if there were nobody to read them? Not really the same, I suppose... I find I am enjoying writing for the sake of writing (did I just type that???)... I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my little audience, but I like to think I am doing this more for me than for them...

I want to be a teacher so badly I can taste it. I find myself doing the least I can get away with at work as things I am working on don't really matter. Most of my coworkers don't invest themselves so much into their work... why did I? Why did I care? It is the people. The clients. Fellow employees. They matter. People matter. And soon MY students will matter. I believe that is what is going to make me a great teacher. I care. I invest myself in their lives. I can't do anything halfway.

Until now. Because now I don't care. I still get my job done, but the passion is gone and I can't get it back. I just want to go home. I don't want to be at work. When did things change? How did they change? As I sit and watch the minutes tick by... I find myself avoiding doing those things that I must for they no longer interest me...

Eleven days. In eleven work-days I will tell my boss I am resigning. And I care. This isn't going to be easy for my coworkers. They rely so much on me. More than they should. I am always there. Always willing to help. Always have the answer. I wish them well, but it is time for me to go.

8 comments:

Megan@SortaCrunchy said...

Eleven days . . . wow! All this work, studying, preparing . . . and it's about to happen!!

I totally feel ya on the end of things funk at work. Wish I had some really great advice to share, but I don't. Just know I am sending hugs your way!

I'm glad you're blogging - whether it's for you or us. :) I always look forward to your entries!

Ingrid said...

Oh, Amanda. I am afraid I passed the blues on to you yesterday.

Change is hard, letting go of the familiar is hard. What you are going through is akin to a relationship break-up. It is understandable for you to feel the way you do.

I send you lots and lots of love and hugs. I am here if you need an ear or a shoulder to cry on.

BTW, go check a post from yesterday on my blog. I gave you a Rockin' Girl Blogger award!

Stephanie said...

Sister, I so admire you! I am proud of you for taking this step out of your comfort zone. I KNOW your students will benefit from your attention and devotion to them. I'm proud of you!

Mary Ann said...

11 days. Wow! You are going to be a wonderful teacher. I sometimes wonder the same things about blogging. I wonder if I would still do it even if no one reads my entries. I feel like you, I enjoy doing it just for me, but of course having readers is also so fun!

Corey~living and loving said...

awwwwww you have short-timer's huh?
I too am so proud of you for making this happen. So many people are so scared of change. LOL me!
you are awesome!

Nichole said...

Oh Amanda, I think those are the EXACT qualities that will make you an excellent teacher. Sounds to me like you've already been teaching your co-workers. Do they not know of your career change yet? Good luck!

How's the job search going?

Keara said...

I am so excited for you and your future. I know you will be a great teacher and you will love it. It seems to just fit you.

Laura said...

I missed this when you posted it (stupid Bloglines!), but I wanted to send along some hugs too! I've been blessed and inspired by watching your journey from a job you "do" to a job that's "you"! Many prayers as the pieces fall into place!