Pass the Paxil, Please

This week's post is a lot of rambling. Skip it if you'd like. Return next week. Certainly there will be something more profound...

I am in a funk today that I cannot shake. I know it will get better, but for now, Paxil sounds really, really good to me...

If no one were to read my blog, would I still write it? Like the eternal question "if a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it - does it still make a sound?" it causes me to ponder...

Scientifically, I know the falling tree still makes a noise... but would my blog entries still be written if there were nobody to read them? Not really the same, I suppose... I find I am enjoying writing for the sake of writing (did I just type that???)... I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my little audience, but I like to think I am doing this more for me than for them...

I want to be a teacher so badly I can taste it. I find myself doing the least I can get away with at work as things I am working on don't really matter. Most of my coworkers don't invest themselves so much into their work... why did I? Why did I care? It is the people. The clients. Fellow employees. They matter. People matter. And soon MY students will matter. I believe that is what is going to make me a great teacher. I care. I invest myself in their lives. I can't do anything halfway.

Until now. Because now I don't care. I still get my job done, but the passion is gone and I can't get it back. I just want to go home. I don't want to be at work. When did things change? How did they change? As I sit and watch the minutes tick by... I find myself avoiding doing those things that I must for they no longer interest me...

Eleven days. In eleven work-days I will tell my boss I am resigning. And I care. This isn't going to be easy for my coworkers. They rely so much on me. More than they should. I am always there. Always willing to help. Always have the answer. I wish them well, but it is time for me to go.